Plight of the boy child

By Nhlanhla Dlamini

I AM a grown-up man now. Well, at least my age suggests it. I did not just get to this point, I had to go through the stage of being an infant and adolescence with all its challenges.

I was a boy child once and in as much as the challenges I faced then, may be different to those that are faced by a boy child today due to various factors; the fundamental challenges faced by a boy child in general, remain the same.

FAMILY

In the family setting, it has always been desirous that the first-born child should be a male. This meant that the family legacy would be preserved and prolonged by that boy child. It follows therefore that, from the moment that child takes his first breath on this planet; there is already insurmountable pressure associated with his existence.

Because of this expectation that one day that child would be the leader of the family, the manner in which he is raised may be one that is aimed at toughening him up to withstand even the most excruciating circumstances. Often, the feelings of a boy child take backstage to what is expected of him.

The siSwati language even has a saying that goes ‘umfana yinja’, loosely translated to mean that a boy is a dog. People of other cultures would construe this as offensive and demeaning to the child, but as a liSwati boy child, you knew that this was not meant to be insulating but was some of the things said to encourage you to be strong. After all, one day you would be the family’s pillar of strength, protector and provider.

EXPECTATIONS OVER FEELINGS

As indicated above, the expectations of family take precedence over the feelings of a boy child. From the onset, it is impressed upon him that he is expected to be strong, to work hard, to provide and to protect the family.

When herding cattle, the boys would randomly be challenged to fight each other in order to ascertain who was the strongest and who was the weakest. The test of strength was based on physical prowess as opposed to mental and/or emotional superiority.

Should a boy child be seen to be physically weak, that child would be continuously ridiculed in the presence of his peers until he showed signs of physical improvement. What that child was feeling at that point, was never taken into consideration at all. He only had himself to deal with the effects and emotional intelligence was self-taught.

Feelings were never factored into the road map of what was expected of him as a boy. He was taught at a very tender age that a male is under no circumstances expected to cry. To date, seeing a male crying is considered to be taboo. It is not acceptable according to our society’s standards. So, whatever a boy child felt, he was expected to internally process it, deal with it and move on with life.

PRESSURE TO SUCCEED

Now that it has been imprinted in the mind of the boy child that he is expected to be strong, protect and provide for his family; he is immediately placed under pressure to succeed in all his endeavours.

The livelihood of his family depended on it and there was no alternative. In order for one to succeed, especially in contemporary society, one has to possess a certain level of intellect and emotional and social compatibility.

Those are the traits that were deliberately ignored when the boy child was being raised. Therefore, for a boy child who is not equipped with these traits to succeed in contemporary society; is not any different from bringing a knife into a gunfight.

The chances of success are very slim. Should the boy child fail to succeed, automatically his brain insists that he has failed to deliver as per what was expected of him from the moment he took his first breath on earth.

This failure can be very devastating, depressing and for many; it is at that moment when suicidal thoughts become prevalent. Emotionally, the boy child is not equipped with the necessary skills to effectively deal with this situation. For many, the only possible solution is to exit this life. After all, he was unable to accomplish the very things expected of him since childhood. As a result, we have unfortunately lost a lot of our brothers through suicides.

FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

As alluded to in the paragraphs above, should a boy child have any feelings of pain or depression; his upbringing channelled him to process those feelings internally and desist from venting out, especially not in the form of crying. He was taught that this is a sign of weakness.

It follows therefore that talking about what he is feeling is not in the nature of the boy child and as such, should he fail to internally process and successfully deal with his feelings; that boy child is a ticking bomb. He could explode at any moment and that explosion could be detrimental to himself, his spouse, family, colleagues and even his friends.

Unattended feelings of anger within a boy child have led to gender-based violence. Feelings of rejection either through unemployment or failed business ventures have led to depression, resorting to criminal activities and the prevalence of substance abuse. We cannot divorce ourselves from the fact that these social ills have deteriorated the quality of our way of living and warrant prompt and robust attention.

DEALING WITH THE CHALLENGE

To effectively deal with the challenges faced by the boy child, I believe that society must first change its mindset and re-visit the manner in which the boy child is raised. It is important to be aware of the fact that as the years progress, our way of life also changes with the times.

The manner in which a boy child was raised in the 80s may not necessarily be effective in raising a boy child born in 2024. There are core values that will remain constant but those are no longer viable in raising a boy child in contemporary times; should be done away with.

An approach that would be more sensitive towards the feelings of a boy child may prove to be just the solution to this problem. An approach that would encourage a boy child to be an entrepreneur as opposed to be an employee, could be key to solving the issue of unemployment.

A boy child is also a human being. He needs support, he needs to vent out every now and then. Crying in order for a boy child to let go of his frustrations should not be stigmatized as being a sign of weakness. Give the boy child some attention, he shouldn’t have to do something extremely horrendous to attract the same. I am a man now but I once was that boy child and my views are mostly based on my personal experiences.